And soon yr 2005 will be history and we wun get to relive this yr again which is gd cos it hasnt been a very gd yr for me. Actually i cant wait for yr 2006 to come cos tt's when i'll get out of the fucking army which is a fucking land of boredom.

Guess what?

I'll be spending the 1st moments of the new yr wif my parents cos they're 2 of the most impt ppl in my life and tt beats having to spend new yr stayin at home watching tv which i had in mind earlier on.

Hah. Fuck 2005.

I m on a tight budget for my xmas presents simply cos i hav no money. Going for present hunting wif jan ltr.. so im gonna say sorry to the recipients of the presents. Yina and all r coming over ltr tonite and boy do i miss them so..

Hav been reminiscing much abt the past.. where my life was ever so energetic.. was hardly ever home and stayed out till 4 to 5am during the weekends.. Now my life is jus so stagnant.. now i'm hardly ever out.. jus the thought of stepping out the house cowers me.. cos everything tt had happened has crippled me greatly.. i can no longer stand up.. yet as hard as i might, i try.. there isnt a solid ground for me to stand firm.

I hate this kinda life. I fucking hate it.

Aw.. How I love my life.

ok.. the best xmas gift so far..

One of the dumb photos i took when i was on duty ytd

Optimism: Instead of crying over spilt milk, go milk another cow.
Yes.. it was printed on one of the calendar pages on the desk and i believe it was directed to me. As for me, i'm still crying over the spilt milk and milking another cow simultaneously. O well.

Be contented wif what God has bestowed upon u.. be it good or bad.. don't seek for the betterment of life thru trudging phoney alternative paths tt may appear all that perfect and too good to be true.
There's a hefty price to pay for it.
I drifted down the unchallenged route,
and,
regretted gravely.
My dreams... Hopes.. everything all shattered..
I feel so hopeless.. Unmotivated to live..

Found an interim blogskin.. Jus wanna change it for the meantime.. Anw i've been contemplating on how to spend my 8mths+ effectively prior to the admission to Uni.. It may seem extremely distant even tho i'm left a yr wif this mundane lifestyle (it'll probably be the most protracted 1 yr esp when "i'm serving the nation" in brandishing "arms") but nevertheless, i'm still gonna pen it down so tt at least i'll hav the skeleton of what to do then:

• sign up for a diving/sailing/wakeboarding course
• work as an adventure camp trainer or sth i'm interested in
• join a basketball club (maybe not)
• get a fucking driving license('ve been procrastinating for so long cos' i'm jus lazy; maybe takin nxt yr)
• plenty of sleep
• a normal routine of sports

k.. it may sound ludicrous to do so many things within the 8mths but 8mths is a bloody long time i must say.

Thank God for Xmas.

.... headache...

In our everyday life, it's not unusual to see ppl of different faces, of contrasting personalities and definitely from different family backgrounds come by every now and then.. be it across the street, crossing of paths, etc. Do we ever stop to ponder over why a person cloths the way he does or why she's holding a cudgel in her left hand and an empty plastic bag in her right hand? The first instinctive thought to a person may be that she's weird and so we give her a contemptuous snort or just scoff at her wif our "accomplices". However, if we were to tail her up to a nearest rubbish bin, u will feel downcasted and ashamed of thinking what u did earlier. What you will witness, is similar to the scene of a poor native african boy searching for food from a waste bin in an african village. In this case, she was collecting empty metal cans to sustain her survival. Argh, what a painful scene.

omg wtf m i talkin abt. Fuck it fuck it!

Life has 2 paths to it - either a happy one, or the antonym.. which coincidentally mirrors a coin with 2 flipsides. Similarly, u get to spend it only once.. so do spend it wisely..

Enjoy dinner yup... yea now i wun..

Finally my stupid com is working.. thx to my bro i think.. anw i miss them.. everyone.. alot.. can't wait for everything to be over..cos only then, i'll decide to meet them.. yea..
Sigh.. tired.. bye.

Havent been bloggin for a fucking long time.. yea i noe..been busy and most importantly my com is down with virus and everything is just going so damn wrong. There're so many things goin on in my head until i'm jus so sick of life..i can't fall asleep at nite yet during the day i'll jus feel so restless, groggy and whatsoever.. ah.. u noe la.Been drifting away from my close usual hang-out friends..And it's not tat i dun wanna go out wif them it's jus cos i've totally lost my self-confidence.. it's jus shattered.. Like a village being obliterated by the impact of an asteroid which results in a total wrecked, barren land.. No one understands how i feel.. i jus feel so jaded... tired.. completely worn out.. tat sudden change in my way of life jus left me breathing alone in my own space.. it jus hurts so much.. everything... it jus gets deeper when i thought the wound was healed.. u jus wldnt noe.. u jus wldnt.. I dun dare to face the world.. yet it's somiserable living in solitude..

Just tired. So sick of everything.. I want a break.. A break from the local sights and sounds... especially the ones in camp.. U'll never noe wad's beneath the cover... Fuck it alrite.

Drained. Anw sprained my ankle while playin bball last wk.. dun think it's gettin any better.. Seriously hoping for a better wk ahead.. cya folks.

Went shopping alone after church.. Jus din wan any company and din wanna go home.. so decided to walk ard taka.. bought some stuffs..

Can't forget it.. it'd alr filled my mind.. permeated into every single brain cell.. clogged up my windpipe.. i've lost every will to breathe..

The overcast skies are gone.. The majestic sun rose gingerly above the horizon shooting radiant rays of light into the darkness.. The sky was fiery red.. it was indeed a scenic sight.

Denise will be goin to Melbourne to study tml.. im supposed to send her off but ive got a fucking ndp rehearsal.. im gonna miss her man..

I rilly dunno how to describe my feelins now.. My heart had plunged to the lowest depths.. Lost the will to eat.. my tastebuds became numb.. I m so so miserable.. I rilly hope it'll be over soon.. like uve promised me.. tts all i ask for.. tts all.... rilly..

My heart palpitates wildly in your presence.. but yearns in ur absence.. It withers upon thinking abt the unfortunate plight we are in.. and lightens when not..

This feeling sux.. the sense of longing.. the thinking, hoping and missing..

Life.. is a stalk of rose.. for when it comes into being, is innocent and undaunting, with no threat concealed in its shadow. However, when it treads down the path of maturity, its thorns reveal and taunt its bearer, but with meticulous handling, it will eventually be overcome with no harm done. Under optimum conditions, it will be at its peak and bloom crimson petals successfully in its appreciation. Yet exposed to gusts of strong wind and torrential rain, its stronghold will be crippled, which leads to the withering of its brightly coloured flower and unsuccessful attempts to rebloom. However, in rare cases, it may, if it were to have the will. Or... perhaps not.

Fuck la. Shldnt hav gone out at all.. wasnt in the right mood.. was rather angsty yet at the same time, depressed. Dunno for wad fuckin reason. Probably cos i was jus too tired after the swim.. din hav the energy to laugh at jokes or to even take part in any conversation. Was jus so.... so distracted; disillusioned.. I was like in my own world.. oblivious to the things ard me.. Felt so weighed down. It's like i'm troubled over something.. yet i dunno wad it is. It's jus like waking up on the wrong side of the bed..
Arh fuck it.

Hey to everyone out there.. there'll be a party at Indochine on the 11th of june(sat) from 10pm - 3am.. R & B hiphop all nite.. tickets r priced at $18 with a complimentary drink and lotsa promos. Those interested can get tickets from me.. can contact me at 98222193. Thx.

Ah.. a fucking boring week.. dun really wanna talk abt it..

tried pumping my bball jus now to bring to camp but the pump jus ran out of gas.. damn.. gotta buy a new one soon..

Andrew's bdae bbq wasnt as bad as i thought it to be.. heh.. and i felt a lil guilty goin there empty handed.. wasnt tt fun either.. it was jus........ jus ok. return cab fare was 10 bucks.. spent a total of abt 150 bucks alr during these 2 days..

Jus found out ytd tt denise has a bf now.. they got together jus 3 days ago.. haha looks like i hav 1 less clubbing buddy in future..

i miss tt person v much.. cant slp at nite..

hungry. waiting for food.

Anw.. gotta stay in for 2 mths.. since work ends at 530.. we shld be able to play sports before dinner.. haha..

I want my food.

Indochine was madness last nite man.. Drank on an empty stomach and i was groggy upon drinking the 2nd cup of vodka. Haha.. music fucking rocked!(tho a few songs were repeated towards the end) A few puffs kept the party and spirits high.. went wif ziyang, david, dunnie, denise and ivan. Alot of chiobus who cld dance pretty well.... anw it was supposed to be a cj party but saw mani acsians there nvrtheless.. similar to phuture(the crowd) but indochine's much better(tho the price was abit steep - $23).

Saw cheryl ytd.. she met up wif us to pass dunnie some stuffs.. she's rilly pretty man..

Feelin damn fucked up right now. It's just a feelin.. maybe it'll go away after lurking ard for awhile..

I'm Just a Kid

I woke up it was 7
Waited till 11 just to figure out that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
having more fun than me

And maybe when the night is dead, i'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And their gonna leave me here on my own

What the fuck is wrong with me?
don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
cause every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid

I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause im just a kid tonight

I've got alot of friends.. but close ones... err... gotta think abt it..

Feel like 1 of my wings has been clipped off.. it has alwiz been this way yet i havent realised it all this while.. Nth much has changed.. like an ant lost from its colony...

Havent been clubbing lately.. almost 2wks alr.. no mood actually.. so its just watching movie and playin pool with denise ivan dunnie and ziyang till the sun rises.

Goin sentosa today.. hope it doesnt rain else it wun be fun..

Suddenly obsessed with abercrombie & fitch clothes.. they're seriously damn nice.. its a pity they dun own a shop here.. think i'll probably order the clothes online..

Still waiting impatiently for my hair to grow............

Just received a letter from smu saying that i've been admitted to the bachelor of business management course in 2007.. haha feeling rather relieved now cos i tot i'd screwed up my interview..
Watched shikoku last nite.. a fucking boring show.. supposed to be a horror movie yet there wasnt any horror scene at all.. wtf rite.. anw there was much laughter thruout the show so i suppose it is a comedy eh..
Just came back from gym.. rather worn out.. perhaps due to insufficient slp.. came back at 4am ytd.. still need to go church ltr..

Frankly, i'm afraid of growing old.. just looking at people ard me.. esp those getting on in years, with all sorts of ailments and diseases poured on them.. I sincerely give them my sympathy and yet at the same time, I shun the process of growing old even more..
Someone ever told me that she wld attempt suicide at the age of 60 if she's not married.. tt's cos it will be difficult to carry on with life after inheriting the various diseases which may leave one wheelchair-bound or bed-ridden for life..

Suddenly feeling very despair.. got a strong feeling that sth unfortunate will befall on me and that i dun hav a suitable close fren to comfort me.. I miss somebody.. yet that someone isnt one that i've met or conversed before.. just a stranger whom i will befriend in future.. still lookin for tt particular someone...
I've been indifferent towards many things around me.. partly coz everyday is just repeating itself.. so much so that i cldnt keep track of the date anymore.. and i just cannot be bothered.. just lookin forward to the weekends when i can hav my own time, doin the things i like and to probably rest.... a little.. at least to sort out my thoughts.. I'm tired.. really tired...... tired of ppl ard me.. tired of the things that happen everyday...
Every occurrence of an event seems to be directed by a person living in a different space of time and place from me.. It's like a stage play or a movie.. where acting is involved and everything is unreal.. Sth similar to that of the truman show..

Just received a call from my fren jus now.. discussed abt the happenings tml and sat.. hopefully the weekend'll relieve me of this revolting feeling and mood..

cheryl loon.. hmm..

Just got a new hp.. 7260.. was given a voucher by singtel.. traded in my 7250 and together with the voucher I bought the 7260 for 98 bucks..
Haha.. i noe tt my 6230 is only a mth old but its worth getting the 7260 at 98 bucks so jus get la.. still gonna use 6230 coz it has many functions and they r amazingly useful..
I'll think of wad to do wif the new phone.. probably sell it or sth..

cheryl & me

me & denise

Haha.. went out wif those bunch of ppl below again ytd.. watched beauty shop and played pool all the way till 4am.. anw denise was the girl i met at zouk and rouge a few wks ago and ivan's her fren while dunnie's our common friend..
Ahh anw we're meeting ltr again with ziyang, anthony and cheryl loon too.. damn tired now..

Outside cineleisure with dunnie ivan denise and me

I feel like eating yet i'm full. Feel like sleeping but i'm not tired. Wanna watch tv but there's nth to watch. Dunno wad to do now.. like so empty.. wad a fucked up feelin..

after zouk.. taken at grand copthorne hotel

zouk

Today was damn slack la.. played table-tennis during PT lesson and slept thru the rest of the day in the training room.. Anw i witnessed a disturbing scene in the train which was totally uncalled for.. This was the situation then:
1) A teen couple from a particular sec sch was seen behaving intimately in the train.
2) The teenage girl took one of the seats of the double-seater near the entrance.
3) The guy was standing and inclined at an angle towards the girl.
4) A rather fat and bespectacled middle-aged woman was sitting beside the teen girl.
5) A few times, the teen guy had lost his balance and pressed his palm against the plastic-metal "wall" producing a gentle, yet an audible "bang".
6) Upon an abrupt halt, he instinctively finds a support(the wall), to hold himself upright. Unintentionally and with much force, he slammed his arm onto the plastic-metal support, waking up the grumpy slumpy lady.

This was the exciting part..

She was burning in fury as the kid had done it repetitively. She then began to reprimand him(thinking that he had did tt on purpose so tt she wld give up her seat to him and achieve his primary objective of wanting to sit beside his gf). As she went on, she added in some dialect phrases and her voice was crescendoed by a huge volume. Soon, she was hollering, overpowering the tintinnabulation produced prior to the closing of doors. He rebutted tt it wasn't on purpose but she refused to let the matter rest..
Her mouth, was like an active volcano, spitting huge balls of lava which instills pain and suffering. In this case, it was more of a mental torture than a physical.
She then gave up the seat(still firm with her initial assumption abt his intentions) and stared fumingly at him, as he took the seat not wanting to reject her offer.
She stood a few steps in front of him and crunched her eyebrows, constantly keeping her eyes fixed at him..... till he got off the train.. at orchard i think.

Haha.. just like a drama serial or sth.. i just think tt she's fucking nuts to argue with him. Firstly coz he's just a boy and secondly he'd already apologised and it is unavoidable to lose one's balance in the train.

Think she'd pulled thru an extremely difficult day man.. to kick up a fuss over such a trifle matter..


Dunno whether i shld go zouk tml.. running out of cash.. anw hope that SHE can go out on sat..

Ahh... She's so fine, petite and.. mm.. perfect. Yes.. tt's the word. Perfect is wad she is. Totally taken my breath away.. Her face, is flawless, with a light dimple, plustered gently on her left cheek. Healthily toasted-brown skin revealed her keen inclination towards sports. Tennis, to be exact.

haha went out with her again and another friend.. tanglin sec.. sec 5.. really gorgeous.. thank God that she's not goin overseas to study..

rouge sucked. First, we had to queue for abt an hr then they told us tt the tix is no longer valid after 11 whereas it stated 12 on the tix itself. Organiser fucked up man. We refunded the tix and had to pay for the cover cost(21 bucks) instead of the 12 bucks tix. The music was terrible.. supposed to be r & b nite but they added in techno.. o ya the party onli started at 1am. A UWC party.. went for the ang moh babes heh but onli saw 3 of them.. wtf..

dunnie brought his 18 yr old fren along.. qt hot.. wild and she's a heavy smoker.. hmm..

btw apple-sour shooter was nice.. bought it during the 1 for 1 hr.. 13 bucks.. rather ex but nice..

ACJCians

chao keng/chalet grp

Fri 11/03
Dinner at nydc. Jac. Yina. Delon. Nic. Insatiable appetite. Slept in my room.

Sat 12/03
NUS open hse. Same people. Business and engineering talk. Singpost. Lunch. Tk. Dinner. Parkway foodcourt.

Sun 13/03
Church. Dinner. Paragon. David. Ivy. Jan. Swee.

Mon 14/03
can't rmbr jus as yet.

Tues 15/03
Shopping.Queensway and orchard. Dunnie. Anthony. ZY. Bought shirt. Assault on precinct 13. Lido.

Wed 16/03
Back to sch. Bball. Table-tennis. Cine foodcourt. Dinner.

Thurs 17/03
Gym wif Delon. Delta sports com. Clubbing at coco late. Andy. ZY. Anthony. David. Dunnie.

Fri 18/03
Bbq at nite. Kevin's hse. Stay at Ritz Carl. Jac. Delon. Roger. Yina. Nic. Guanwei etc.

been/will be qt busy. Zzz

POPed. Got back A's results. Did much better than expected. Broke up.

Dun really know how to describe my feelings now.. A tinge of fury perfected by huge waves of sadness and disappointment is all I can say.. To me, these few days of freedom should have utmost significance throughout my NS life and to meet up with old friends to catch up on lost times is a sure-to-do thing for every newly enlisted NS man to make their book out days worth looking forward to and a fruitful one. Yet to every other civilian in mainland here, it is just another working day for them or just another day of activity at least, with personal commitments prioritised as most important in their list. No, i'm not blaming anyone.. it's just my luck that all of you have such an activity at such a time of the day.. Looks like "she" is the only person I can look forward to meeting on book-out days.. Fine.. I shall be contented with just that..

Indeed, a fucked up feeling you may say but i'm beginning to like army life more now due to the presence of many newly-forged friendships.. at least you won't feel lonely in any part of any day..

Book-out days are just days for me to catch up on my sleep.. nothing else should matter..

Having fever and sorethroat now.. thanks for the plenty of rest time you all have left me with.. yea thanks alot

last entry as a civilian.. gd luck to me.. haha