Really feel very sorry for myself. Can't seem to focus; my mind just wanders off everytime I try to study. Just feel like putting all the workload and stress aside, to reflect upon myself and to spend more time with my family and friends. Regretted sailing through the whole of J1 without much gain. Can't cope with my work anymore, seriously, after realising that there's so much to be done, yet there's so little time. Even though now I've understood most of the concepts for Physics, but I just don't have enough time to practise and even so, there's no one to guide me at home. I'm really fucked.

Retaining is probably the only solution, since to me, the merits earned by retaining outweigh that of the disadvantages. Come to think of it, it is true, yet untrue. In terms of climbing up the academic ladder, I'm all for it... Yet there are things which hold me back. One of which is having to change. My life will have to change, be it socially or mentally. You may say that having to change is part and parcel of life but that is something which I strongly resist. Having to bid farewell to my fellow budmates and welcoming a new world of hypocrites perhaps, and lots of uncertainty. Forging new bonds and having to change to adapt to their lifestyles ain't my cup of tea.

Secondly, I can't stand the school anymore. I really dread attending school. There are times when your emotions run like the roller coaster and times when you have to face situations which are not favourable and leaves you wondering what kind of a person you really are. I dare say that I've lost my identity ever since stepping into the college. Maybe I've made the wrong choice.. but to me, every decision I'd made, is unmistakably wrong.

In the preparation for the prelims, I've slogged real hard.. day and night, or should I say, day to night. However, somewhere within my heart tells me that I'm not up to it and I know it too. For this whole month and the past month, I studied like I never did before trying to comprehend concepts after concepts, theory after theory; but I feel that I've been wasting all my time, because I don't know what to study.. especially for physics.. I really need notes which summarise every single chapter such that I am confident of what i'm studying and the technique of resolving the questions.

So what if I've been studying hard? I find no time to relax and i'm forever pushing away outings with my friends. And the main point is that I still won't do well. It's not hard work that counts. It's the style of studying with the correct set of notes.

I really want to withdraw from school, but for now, I just need time to sort out my thoughts and live a stress free life. That's all I ask.